....so tell it again, but a little slower, OK?

Men:

1) If you take off your shirt and it looks like you still have a shirt on, put the shirt on

2) No normal man can wear a speedo so don't

Women

1) (This is from my wife) If your belly sticks out farther than your boobs, cover it up.

2) Spandex does not mean expand

All

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in… what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced "onety one"?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the
English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it "Fed UP"?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do
Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so that the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

26. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

27. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

28. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

29. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

30. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

31. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

32. If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

33. If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Did you dig that out of the OED? That sense is not in my Webster's unabridged.

Next week Sam tells Joe "I tried like you said but nobody would even let me talk to them!!"

Joe replied "So I heard.. next time Put the potato in the front not the back!!"

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Just Holler to the next singer...
"what comes between England and Asia??"

"Europe" (your up)

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There once was a lady named Ramsom
who was loved 3 times in a hansom (sp?)
when she asked for more
came a weak voice from the floor
my name is Simpson
not Samson

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There once was a young man from brooms
who invited a queer to his room
they argued all night
over who had the right
to do what
with which
to whom

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I hear all these guys hollering that God made Adam first, then Eve,
But isn't it true that all true artists create a rough draft before creating a masterpiece!!

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Please wear earmuffs here!!
You can catch AIDS by listning to the a**holes around here!

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Hear about the opera star that got mugged?
somebody stole his C-NOTE

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Drunk walks into hotel, staggers to the desk and orders a beer. Deskclerk informs him that it's a hotel not a bar! Drunk looks around and then asks where is the bathroom, Deskclerk replys "second door down the hall on the right" Drunk staggers down the hall and goes to third door on the left and falls down an elevator shaft. Cleark hears the noise and comes rushing to the elevator shaft and hollers down "YOU OK MAN???"
Drunk brushing himself off hollers back "yeah I'm OK.. but whatever you do... DON'T FLUSH IT!!!!"

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Drunk wakes up in jail.. goes to court.. Judge asks "Officer, how do you know this man was drunk"
Officer replied "Your Honor, I didn't bother him as he staggered down the street. I didn't bother him when he fell down three times in a row, but when he put a nickle in the mailbox and looked up at the clock on the baptist church and hollered "god I lost three pounds" I brought him in!!"

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Someone came in sunday and got the crowd into audience participation that i never heard before. It goes like this........

...... Do you love me (MEN: HELL NO!)
Do you love me forever do you need me (MEN: HELL NO)
WIll you make so happy..........before we go any further do you love me (MEN:NO) will you love me forever

Let me sleep on it, baby baby let me sleep on it (WOMEN: BULLS**T, BULLS**T)
Let me sleep on it I'll give you an answer in the morning (WOMEN: BULLS**T, BULLS**T, BULLS**T).......