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People are supposed to drink from the fountain of knowledge- he only gargles. . . The ironic part of this is that I only intended for it to be a one liner, but its placement couldn't have been sweeter.
* You make over $250,000 and still can't afford to buy your own house. * The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. * The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. * You know how to eat an artichoke. * You drive to your neighborhood block party. ================================ You're in New York when . . .
* You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. * You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. * You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. * You think Central Park is "nature." * You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. * You've ever worn out a car horn. * You think eye contact is an act of aggression. ================================= You're in Alaska when . . .
* You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco. * Halloween costumes fit over parkas. * You have more than one recipe for moose. * Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. * The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction. ================================= You're in the South when . . .
* You get a movie and bait in the same store. * "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. * after a year you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?" * "he needed killin' " is a valid defense. ================================= You're in Colorado when . . .
* You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. * You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care. * A pass does not involve a football or dating. * The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail. * Your bridal registry is at REI. =============================== You're in the Midwest when . . .
* You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. * Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. * You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. * You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" or "If you go to the mall, I wanna go with." * Your first job was detasseling. * When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different."
Posts: 47 | From: Jacksonville,NC US | Registered: Feb 2002
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Liked the jokes Jake, but where's New England in there. There's lots of great stuff for us.
Posts: 1795 | From: Fall River, Ma | Registered: Feb 2001
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knightshow, Diane,diputs and I would post jokes about Oregon/Washington, but the truth is we spend most of our time poking fun at California (no offense to all you nice Sound Boarders...you don't own property up here, do you??)
Did you know that last year there were six fatalities in Portland from people falling off of their bikes.... ...and drowning....
Here in the Pacific NW, we don't tan....we rust!
and for all you people that work in sports bars-
"Man- I've been hanging in sports bars too long...my wife said she saw the Boston Philharmonic play Beethoven yesterday...and I asked her 'who won?'"
[This message has been edited by RC the DJ (edited April 26, 2002).]
Posts: 745 | From: Portland, OR, USA | Registered: Aug 2000
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Ghandi forgot his toothbrush once while on a pilgrimage barefoot across the desert.When he stopped to rest at the nearest town after many days of travel the townsfolk noted a super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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Matt- you don't need to move around too much...just keep turning different directions, since moss only grows on the North side of Oregonians...
People can try and poke fun at Oregon, but lets face it:
1) We don't have to pump our own gas 2) No sales tax 3) No real accent to speak of (have you EVER heard someone say,"you talk funny- where you from- OREGON?") Plus: we have every type of terrain in the US except for swamps (although Eugene does come close in places..)
GOD BLESS AMERICA! (dunno- just thought I'd say that...)
oh, and Pony- GRROOOOOOAAAAAAANNNNNNNNN!!
Posts: 745 | From: Portland, OR, USA | Registered: Aug 2000
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RC, I don't spend time making fun of those from Cali! Speak for yourself LOL! Yep, it is nice to not have to pump gas! ICK!!!! All you from back EAST and down SOUTH... It's pronounced ORYGUN... not ORAGONE! But we already went thru that years ago.
[This message has been edited by Diane (edited April 30, 2002).]
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Someone once asked Gregg Allman what he thought of Rap. He said "It's short for crap."
Posts: 789 | From: Audubon, Pa. | Registered: Jan 2000
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Shoot...I use to pronounce "OR-gun"...then Diane edu-ma-cated me, now every time I see that state's name in print or hear someone else say it, I immediatly hear in my head ORYgun! Almost a Pavlovian thing!
posted
What cracks me up is that half of Hollywood can't say ORYGUN correctly. I have been in movie theaters here in Portland where some reference is made to ORAGONE and the whole theater groans in unison then laughs sarcastically. This was a movie portraying Californians. You'd think that the folks so close in Cali, could get it right. Posts: 1108 | From: Portland, Oregon | Registered: Apr 1999
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Uh, last I checked, in California, we pronounce it Oh-reh-gun (for lack of the correct symbol for the "gon" part I chose the closest phonetic equivelant)
Posts: 1691 | From: USA | Registered: May 1999
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Right L'op... what I meant was that HOLLYWOOD has difficulty getting it right in movies. I can see Hollywood having actors and actresses intentionally mispronounce it in movies that are set back East or down South, or anywhere not incuded on the West Coast for that matter (since that IS how they talk). But when Hollywood depicts Californians as being unable to pronounce it right... it makes us GROAN! LOL! Know what I mean? I mean, DUH! I know that you guys DO pronounce it right. Sorry I was not clear before. Oh, wait a minute, I thought of a worse case scenerio: When Hollywood depicts Oregonians as not being able to pronounce their own state correctly. Now that just makes me wanna hurl! LOL
PS. "ORY-GUN" ... "Oh-reh-gun". They sound the same to me. LOL. I don't have a phonetic keyboard either, but with a Google search I did find this to copy and paste! (ôr´i-gun) So HA!
[This message has been edited by Diane (edited April 30, 2002).]
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hehehehe good one Wordman! The closet one is actually one I hadn't heard yet.
Posts: 1108 | From: Portland, Oregon | Registered: Apr 1999
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It no longer seems odd to you that Oregon has an official state nut, insect, fish, seashell, rock, gemstone (it's not the same as the rock), tree and dance.
You don't laugh anymore at mention of the towns of Boring, Riddle, Talent, Tangent, Drain, Sisters, Brothers, Echo, Bonanza, Halfway, Paisley, Rufus, Dufur or Spray.
Nobody corrects you anymore when you pronounce Gervais.
You give away Zucchini instead of receive it.
All of your relatives know how to pronounce Oregon.
Gray becomes your favorite color.
Slightly edited From The Sunday Oregonian, July 2, 1995 - By Pete Lesage
NOTE: If you don't understand all of this, or don't know the locally "correct" pronunciation of some of the places, CLICK HERE!
AND... now for the updated version....
YOU KNOW YOU LIVE IN OREGON WHEN
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
2. "Vacation" means going to Portland for the weekend.
3. You measure distance in hours.
4. You know several people who have hit deer ... more than once.
5. You use a down comforter in the summer.
6. Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 2 feet of water during a raging rainstorm ... without flinching.
7. You see people wearing hunting clothes to social events.
8. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
9. You think of the major food groups as elk meat, venison, fish, and berries.
10. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
11. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
12. Driving is better in the winter because almost everybody stays home.
13. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and flannel pajamas.
14. You know all the important seasons: almost winter, winter, still raining, road construction, deer season and elk season.
15. It takes you three hours to go to the store for one item even when you're in a rush because you have to stop and talk to everyone in town.
16. You actually understand these jokes.
[This message has been edited by Diane (edited April 30, 2002).]
Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates. Node........................I knew it. Outpatient..................A person who has fainted. Pap Smear...................A fatherhood test. Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis. Post Operative..............A letter carrier. Recovery Room...............Place to do upholstery. Rectum......................Darn near killed him. Secretion...................Hiding something Seizure.....................Roman emperor. Tablet......................A small table. Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the airport. Tumor.......................More than one. Urine.......................Opposite of you're out Varicose....................Near by
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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okay..time to poke fun at Canadjuns...okay...French Canadjuns If anyone has ever had the ..uh...pleasure of hearing our Prime Minister (ya, that's Canadjun for President) Jean Cretien speak (trust me...the acCENT is on the wrong sylABle)... Two French Canadians walk into a pet store.
We'll take four of dem birds in de paper bag der," says Jean-Marc.
They drive until they reach the face of a large cliff with a 500 ft.drop. "Dis looks like a good place eh?" says Jean-Pierre. "Oh yea, dis looks good," agrees Jean-Marc.
They flip a coin and Jean-Marc wins the toss. "Tabernac! I guess I got to go first, eh?" says Jean-Pierre. He takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Jean-Marc watches as his buddy drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds and goes "splat" and says, "Forget it eh. Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!"
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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ya know...all ya gotta do to make me stop is to take my 'pootu away...
I don't usually pass on sad news like this, but sometimes we need to pause and remember what life is about. There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.
Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song: "The Hokey Pokey" died at 83.
It was especially difficult for the family. They had trouble placing him in the casket.
They'd put his right leg in, they'd take his right leg out..........well, you know the rest.
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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PROOF THAT THE GENE POOL COULD USE SOME CHLORINE TREATMENT (a.k.a. truch is stranger than fiction)
A medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center reported a woman had called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. She was quickly reassured that the ants were not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants uon which she was told that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency Room right away.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
This guy is senior management material ! A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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posted
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 AM by a loud pounding on the door. The man struggles out of bed, goes to the door, opens it, and finds a drunk stranger standing in a pouring rain. Almost snarling because of the inconvenience, the guy says to the drunk, "Yeah, what do you want?!" "Would you give me a push?" the drunk slurs. "Are you crazy?" the husband asks. "It's three o'clock in the morning!" slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was it?" asked the wife. "Some drunk asking for a push," he mumbles. "Did you help him? the wife asks. Now teetering on the edge of exploding, the guy says, "NO! I didn't help him......it's three in the morning and it's raining outside!" "Well, you've got a very short memory," says his wife. "Don't you remember when we were on the way to a party and those two guys helped us? I think you should help this poor man."
Now wide awake and knowing he'll he unable to go back to sleep, the husband mumbles under his breath, gets dressed, and stands on the front porch in the driving rain. "Hey, are you still out there?" "Yeah," comes the answer. "Do you still want a push?" asks the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. Unable to see anything or anyone in the dark, the husband says, "Where are you?" "Over here....... on the swing," the drunk said.
Posts: 878 | From: Ottawa, ON, Canada | Registered: Dec 2000
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ha ha ha That last one was a good one Pony!! ha ha Reminds me of the "good old days"
A man is standing on the sidewalk when a funeral procession goes by. First the hearse with the casket inside, then walking behind was a man with a dog, then a lady, followed by about 100 or so others.
The man walks up to the fellow with the dog and askes, "I'm sorry for your loss, what happened?" The fellow replied: "My dog, bit and killed my mother-in-law". The man thinks for a minute, then says: "No disrespect intended, but, could I borrow your dog? The man replied: "Sure, but you'll have to wait in line"
Posts: 102 | From: Vacaville, Ca. | Registered: Jun 2001
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I just got this one today & nearly WET myself!!
I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
"Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I am driving east?"
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"
posted
This may sound lame, but I often say at the end of some of my shows. "Remember if you are driving home drunk, drive your friend's car" At times I add to that... "...That way you can pick your car up in the morning while your friend's is in impound." It gets quite a few laughs from the drunks.
Posts: 139 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2001
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1. You're 5'4", can benchpress 325 pounds, shave twice a day, and you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Black Mercury.
4. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all blood relatives.
5. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk as a nutritious breakfast.
6. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens one in the basement).
7. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
8. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than after hours clubs.
9. You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
10. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
11. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
12. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
13. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
14. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
15. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
You REALLY REALLY know you're Italian when: You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00. You know what a riceball really is. Christmas Eve.....only fish.... Have a gold chain, cross and your horn... You have a stupid nickname. fuhggetaboutit" Your Mom's meatballs are the best. Favorite movies:Godfather/Goodfellas/BronxTale/The Last Don/Moonstruck You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you Plastic on the furniture is normal. Know how to pronounce "manicotti". You've called someone a "mamaluke". You own a Pinky Ring. And you understand, "Bada Bing, Bada Boom" Finally. You know your lawyers home number, cell number and pager number by heart.
Posts: 47 | From: Jacksonville,NC US | Registered: Feb 2002
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Nice Jake... Now are you gonna come over and clean the coffee-spray out of my keyboard. 
where's New England in there. There's lots of great stuff for us.
forgive me father for i have sinned....
